How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
