think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My ATM looks so different sober.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
