you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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