one two three fourrrrnication!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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