I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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