how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
