upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
