dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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