Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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