lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think I won the penis lottery.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
