He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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