the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
