Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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