Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
