dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
