Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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