i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
please come you make the beer taste better
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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