I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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