I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
