My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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