note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
