is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
