every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
