Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
