she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are we still banned from the library?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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