my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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