I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
