I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
