i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
