I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
