Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
