I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
