good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My bed smells like the plague
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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