he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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