I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
