Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
