don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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