summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
