real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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