is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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