HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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