Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
