please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
