Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
