Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
