So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
