That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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