My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
