just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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