You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
