ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
