Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
